Act III Scene II The forest

Act 3 scene 2

	Act III Scene II The forest.
	[Enter ORLANDO, with a paper]
ORLANDO	Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love: And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above, Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway. O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books And in their barks my thoughts I'll character; That every eye which in this forest looks Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where. Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.	5 10
	[Exit]
	[Enter CORIN and TOUCHSTONE]
CORIN	And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life, it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I like it very well; but in respect that it is private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well; but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much against my stomach. Hast any philoso- phy in thee, shepherd?	15 20
CORIN	No more but that I know the more one sickens the worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money, means and content is without three good friends; that the property of rain is to wet and fire to burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.	25 30
TOUCHSTONE	Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in court, shepherd?
CORIN	No, truly.
TOUCHSTONE	Then thou art damned.	35
CORIN	Nay, I hope.
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, thou art damned like an ill- roasted egg, all on one side.
CORIN	For not being at court? Your reason.
TOUCHSTONE	Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest good manners; if thou never sawest good manners, then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous state, shepherd.	40
CORIN	Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the behavior of the country is most mockable at the court. You told me you salute not at the court, but you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.	45 50
TOUCHSTONE	Instance, briefly; come, instance.
CORIN	Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their fells, you know, are greasy.
TOUCHSTONE	Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.	55
CORIN	Besides, our hands are hard.
TOUCHSTONE	Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shal- low again. A more sounder instance, come.	60
CORIN	And they are often tarred over with the surgery of our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.
TOUCHSTONE	Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.	65
CORIN	You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.
TOUCHSTONE	Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man! God make incision in thee! thou art raw.	70
CORIN	Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes graze and my lambs suck.	75
TOUCHSTONE	That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes and the rams together and to offer to get your living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a twelve- month to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram, out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not damned for this, the devil himself will have no shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst' scape.	80 85
CORIN	Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.
	[Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading]
ROSALIND	From the east to western Ind, No jewel is like Rosalind. Her worth, being mounted on the wind, Through all the world bears Rosalind. All the pictures fairest lined Are but black to Rosalind. Let no fair be kept in mind But the fair of Rosalind.	90 95
TOUCHSTONE	I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the right butter-women's rank to market.
ROSALIND	Out, fool!
TOUCHSTONE	For a taste: If a hart do lack a hind, Let him seek out Rosalind. If the cat will after kind, So be sure will Rosalind. Winter garments must be lined, So must slender Rosalind. They that reap must sheaf and bind; Then to cart with Rosalind. Sweetest nut hath sourest rind, Such a nut is Rosalind. He that sweetest rose will find Must find love's prick and Rosalind. This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you infect yourself with them?	100 105 110
ROSALIND	Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.	115
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.
ROSALIND	I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.	120
TOUCHSTONE	You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the forest judge.
	[Enter CELIA, with a writing]
ROSALIND	Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.	125
CELIA	[Reads]
	Why should this a desert be? For it is unpeopled? No: Tongues I'll hang on every tree, That shall civil sayings show: Some, how brief the life of man Runs his erring pilgrimage, That the stretching of a span Buckles in his sum of age; Some, of violated vows 'Twixt the souls of friend and friend: But upon the fairest boughs, Or at every sentence end, Will I Rosalinda write, Teaching all that read to know The quintessence of every sprite Heaven would in little show. Therefore Heaven Nature charged That one body should be fill'd With all graces wide-enlarged: Nature presently distill'd Helen's cheek, but not her heart, Cleopatra's majesty, Atalanta's better part, Sad Lucretia's modesty. Thus Rosalind of many parts By heavenly synod was devised, Of many faces, eyes and hearts, To have the touches dearest prized. Heaven would that she these gifts should have, And I to live and die her slave.	130 135 140 145 150 155
ROSALIND	O most gentle Jupiter! what tedious homily of love have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never cried 'Have patience, good people!'	160
CELIA	How now! back, friends! Shep- herd, go off a little. Go with him, sirrah.
TOUCHSTONE	Come, shepherd, let us make an honour- able retreat; though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.	165
	[Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE]
CELIA	Didst thou hear these verses?
ROSALIND	O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.
CELIA	That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.	170
ROSALIND	Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear themselves without the verse and therefore stood lamely in the verse.
CELIA	But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name should be hanged and carved upon these trees?	175
ROSALIND	I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder before you came; for look here what I found on a palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I can hardly remember.	180
CELIA	Trow you who hath done this?
ROSALIND	Is it a man?
CELIA	And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck. Change you colour?	185
ROSALIND	I prithee, who?
CELIA	O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to meet; but mountains may be removed with earth- quakes and so encounter.	190
ROSALIND	Nay, but who is it?
CELIA	Is it possible?
ROSALIND	Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence, tell me who it is.
CELIA	O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that, out of all hooping!	195
ROSALIND	Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I am caparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose in my disposition? One inch of delay more is a South-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is it quickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldst stammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed man out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at all. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth that may drink thy tidings.	200 205
CELIA	So you may put a man in your belly.
ROSALIND	Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is his head worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?	210
CELIA	Nay, he hath but a little beard.
ROSALIND	Why, God will send more, if the man will be thankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, if thou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.	215
CELIA	It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler's heels and your heart both in an instant.
ROSALIND	Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow and true maid.
CELIA	I' faith, coz, 'tis he.	220
ROSALIND	Orlando?
CELIA	Orlando.
ROSALIND	Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet and hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he? How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou see him again? Answer me in one word.	225
CELIA	You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis a word too great for any mouth of this age's size. To say ay and no to these particulars is more than to answer in a catechism.	230
ROSALIND	But doth he know that I am in this forest and in man's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the day he wrestled?	235
CELIA	It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the propositions of a lover; but take a taste of my finding him, and relish it with good observance. I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn.
ROSALIND	It may well be called Jove's tree, when it drops forth such fruit.	240
CELIA	Give me audience, good madam.
ROSALIND	Proceed.
CELIA	There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight.	245
ROSALIND	Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well becomes the ground.
CELIA	Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvets unseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.
ROSALIND	O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart.	250
CELIA	I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringest me out of tune.
ROSALIND	Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. Sweet, say on.
CELIA	You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here?	255
	[Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES]
ROSALIND	'Tis he: slink by, and note him.
JAQUES	I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I had as lief have been myself alone.
ORLANDO	And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you too for your society.	260
JAQUES	God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.
ORLANDO	I do desire we may be better strangers.
JAQUES	I pray you, mar no more trees with writing love- songs in their barks.	265
ORLANDO	I pray you, mar no more of my verses with reading them ill-favouredly.
JAQUES	Rosalind is your love's name?
ORLANDO	Yes, just.
JAQUES	I do not like her name.	270
ORLANDO	There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.
JAQUES	What stature is she of?
ORLANDO	Just as high as my heart.
JAQUES	You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned them out of rings?	275
ORLANDO	Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, from whence you have studied your questions.
JAQUES	You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made of Atalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? and we two will rail against our mistress the world and all our misery.	280
ORLANDO	I will chide no breather in the world but myself, against whom I know most faults.	285
JAQUES	The worst fault you have is to be in love.
ORLANDO	'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue. I am weary of you.
JAQUES	By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I found you.	290
ORLANDO	He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and you shall see him.
JAQUES	There I shall see mine own figure.
ORLANDO	Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.
JAQUES	I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, good Signior Love.	295
ORLANDO	I am glad of your departure: adieu, good Monsieur Melancholy.
	[Exit JAQUES]
ROSALIND	[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucy lackey and under that habit play the knave with him. Do you hear, forester?	300
ORLANDO	Very well: what would you?
ROSALIND	I pray you, what is't o'clock?
ORLANDO	You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clock in the forest.	305
ROSALIND	Then there is no true lover in the forest; else sighing every minute and groaning every hour would detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.	310
ORLANDO	And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that been as proper?
ROSALIND	By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops withal and who he stands still withal.	315
ORLANDO	I prithee, who doth he trot withal?
ROSALIND	Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the contract of her marriage and the day it is solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight, Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of seven year.	320
ORLANDO	Who ambles Time withal?
ROSALIND	With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.	325 330
ORLANDO	Who doth he gallop withal?
ROSALIND	With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.	335
ORLANDO	Who stays it still withal?
ROSALIND	With lawyers in the vaca- tion, for they sleep between term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.
ORLANDO	Where dwell you, pretty youth?	340
ROSALIND	With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.
ORLANDO	Are you native of this place?
ROSALIND	As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.	345
ORLANDO	Your accent is something finer than you could purchase in so removed a dwelling.
ROSALIND	I have been told so of many: but indeed an old religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard him read many lectures against it, and I thank God I am not a woman, to be touched with so many giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their whole sex withal.	350 355
ORLANDO	Can you remember any of the principal evils that he laid to the charge of women?
ROSALIND	There were none principal; they were all like one another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.	360
ORLANDO	I prithee, recount some of them.
ROSALIND	No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the quotidian of love upon him.	365 370
ORLANDO	I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me your remedy.
ROSALIND	There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.	375
ORLANDO	What were his marks?
ROSALIND	A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected, which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for simply your having in beard is a younger brother's revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe untied and every thing about you demonstrating a careless desolation; but you are no such man; you are rather point-device in your accoutrements as loving yourself than seem- ing the lover of any other.	380 385 390
ORLANDO	Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.
ROSALIND	Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to do than to confess she does: that is one of the points in the which women still give the lie to their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind is so admired?	395 400
ORLANDO	I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.
ROSALIND	But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?
ORLANDO	Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.	405
ROSALIND	Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and the reason why they are not so punished and cured is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.	410
ORLANDO	Did you ever cure any so?
ROSALIND	Yes, one, and in this man- ner. He was to imagine me his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to woo me: at which time would I, being but a moonish youth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longing and liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow, inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for every passion something and for no passion truly any thing, as boys and women are for the most part cattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathe him; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weep for him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitor from his mad humour of love to a living humour of madness; which was, to for- swear the full stream of the world, and to live in a nook merely monastic. And thus I cured him; and this way will I take upon me to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's heart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.	415 420 425 430
ORLANDO	I would not be cured, youth.
ROSALIND	I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind and come every day to my cote and woo me.	435
ORLANDO	Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell me where it is.
ROSALIND	Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the way you shall tell me where in the forest you live. Will you go?	440
ORLANDO	With all my heart, good youth.
ROSALIND	Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?
	[Exeunt]